Saturday, September 25, 2004

the message

I was in the lecture hall preparing for my test today when I received a message. I took a peek to see who the sender is, and it came as a surprise to find that the message came from the girl whom I had a crush on a few years back.

My heart sunk a little at that instance, I had a strange indescribable feeling. I remember promising her that I’ll call whenever I’m free, and we’ll go for a drink. But it has been months since I last contacted her; she’s busy with her job and I’m stuck here in the university tackling my mid semester tests. But I never did forget her.

She sent me an invitation to her boyfriend’s birthday party next month. Yes, her boyfriend. She’s already taken. For over 2 years.

It’s hard to imagine that this is still affecting me emotionally. I thought I’ve let go and moved on with my life. But I guess I didn’t. I started a new life with new surroundings, new environment and a new group of friends, and yet one message puts me back to square one. How pathetic can that be?

I know there’s no one else to blame but myself. I had the chance back then but I chose not to take the initiative. I was indecisive, insecure, and probably even egoistic. Whatever it was, I blew it. We were close friends, but there never was a chance to go beyond that. And we still remain good friends. I’m always among the first to know every time she changes her hp number, and she visits my home during festive seasons. We hung out at mamaks to talk crap, and used to go for Sunday morning exercises in the park together. We both hate my ex-admirer (she gave my crush a hard time back then), but we find ways to make jokes out of it. She never blamed me for all those troubles. All that and yet, nothing happened.

Sometimes I do wonder; if I have the chance to do it all over again, would it be a different outcome if I had taken the opportunity? Could it be a fairy tale ending? I don’t know, and I guess I’ll never know. It remains the only regret in my life. But what I know for sure is that I’m happy for her now. Happy that she has found a person who is smart, good-looking, rich, and most importantly, a person she really loves and cares for. For all that I’ve lost, it makes up by knowing she’s having a wonderful life. And for all that matters, I am happy, and that is all I can ask for.

It’s true what people say, your heart is an amazing organ. You’ll always have it beneath your chest no matter how much you’ve given out.

Thank you, for giving me a taste of sweet and bitter in life. I shall cherish every single moment of it.

3 comments:

NiC said...

wow... is this really coming from jason? you've gotta move on... sure, she's a nice girl... pretty too i might add... but u've gotta move on... get to know others, dun let the same opportunity slip by...

tomatoinc said...

jason. as nic said it, there's no point lingering around the past. but then, i know how hard it is to move on. after all those you ve gone through, as you said it, there's no one to blame but fate and yourself. Open up your heart for another girl la. When destiny comes knocking on your door, don't slam the door shut again.

ps: btw, do you have her'bf contact? i wanna plant some bomb. haha..just kidding. you think her bf is 'good-looking' ah?> OMG. how could you. dressed up like gay, with an oversized head...plus an irratating voice. gosh. someone must wake her up! anyway..that's another story...

Livingmonolith said...

just having some mood swing the other day, don't worry about me, hahaha...